


Archangel's Bitter Lullaby

by CoffeeBorne_Addict



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, No Shepard without Vakarian, POV Garrus Vakarian, garrus misses his true love, space
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2019-11-07 11:06:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17959304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoffeeBorne_Addict/pseuds/CoffeeBorne_Addict
Summary: Garrus can't believe that Shepard is dead. There's just no way. He's losing his mind over it.





	1. Bitter

**Author's Note:**

> Assuming Garrus is a romanceable option in ME1.
> 
> Please enjoy!

_ The room was mildly dim, but one could see the silhouettes of two figures resting against a wall on a standard flight bed that was unfitting for the commander of the Normandy; the two occupants didn't seem to mind in the least as their own company was satisfying enough. Garrus sat on Shepard's bed with said woman laying in his arms. _

_ "Shepard..." Garrus whispered softly as he held the blonde-headed woman in his arms. His claws stroked over her hair as Shepard nestled comfortably against the turian's chest, fleshly fingers idly tracing the seams of his armor. The woman lifted her gaze, slate blue eyes meeting Garrus' brighter blue and her lips curled back to show her brilliant white teeth in a smile. The turian offered his own smile, head bowing down to rub against hers as his mandibles pressed against the side of his lover's head in an affectionate touch. The commander leaned into his display of affection, turning her head a fraction to press a tender kiss to the nearest mandible. _

_ The turian's hold tightened a fraction as he continued to whisper,"You know... turians don't like the cold..." _

_ Shepard released a gentle laugh as she snuggled further into her lover, "Is that so?" _

_ "Care to do something about that?" _

_ The woman grinned cheekily as she raised her head, her forehead against his. A soft kiss was placed against Garrus' mouth and the commander replied, "You know I would love to..." _

_ In an instant, Garrus found Shepard straddling his lap and the turian was laid back against the surface of the commander's bed. Garrus closed his eyes as the woman peppered him with kisses across his mouth and mandibles, showering him with all of her love and affection. He could feel her plush lips barely brush his left mandible and the appendage flicked upwards to create contact, but was met with an absence. Suddenly, her weight was gone and the warmth above him was replaced by a cold presence. _

_ Confused at the absence of his lover, Garrus opened his eyes and was met by a dark blanket with little flashing lights far in the distance. His body was hit by a heavy wave of frigid air and Garrus immediately wanted Shepard's warmth right then and there. _

_ "Shepard!" Garrus cried out into the uninvited void and it was then he realized he was floating adrift in this dark space. Panicked, Garrus began to thrash and the cold vacuum that surrounded him sent his body chills that had the turian tremble unbelievably hard. He tried to breathe, but the space offered no form of air for him; Garrus swallowed frigid gulps and slowly, he felt his insides burn as they froze. He tried to call out for his lover, but his voice was ragged and strained, "Shep...ard...!" _

_ The turian gasped as his claws dug into the armor above his chest, feeling the invading chill freeze his lungs. _

_ "Sh...ep...ard..." _

_ If darkness could get darker, the dead space sunk into an abyss and the flickering lights of stars became mere splotches as Garrus began to lose consciousness and his body no longer felt present. Eyes glassed over, their now-dead gaze stared into the distance eternally searching for his lover. _

 

Waking with a start, Garrus thrashed on his makeshift cot, causing it to turn on its side and deposit Garrus onto the floor with an unceremonious thud. The turian immediately gasped, expecting the icy chill from his dream, but quite the opposite. He heard the cycling of his helmet's ventilation systems as they took in his breath and converted it to "fresh air".

After a second of reassurances, Garrus sat up with a groan and muttered underneath his breath, "Damn nightmares."

They were becoming frequent and it made the turian lose precious hours of sleep, especially since he had three Omega gangs nipping at his heels and breathing down his neck, muttering the laws of death at his shadow. Garrus shook his head as the grogginess from his interrupted sleep slowly wore away; it wasn't like he had planned to go back to sleep anyway. That nightmare had escalated too fast for his liking. Collecting himself from the dusty floor, Garrus turned to his cot and stabilized it before laying back in it. His hand went for the tattered blanket on the ground and he pulled it up over him. Despite that his armor provided enough bodily warmth, Garrus felt it necessary to wrap himself in the beige-colored blanket. With a heavy sigh, Garrus settled into his cot, staring at the low ceiling above him and he allowed his mind to ponder. What would Shepard tell him if she saw him?

**_Damn it, Garrus. You’ve really fallen into the sinkhole._ **

“Oh, yes I have.” the turian thought to himself, responding to the imaginary Shepard that loomed over his head with a bemused smirk and a shake of her head.

**_And you expect me to pull you out of this mess. Tsk, tsk, Garrus. You’re better than dragging me to cover your ass._ **

“Why cover mine when I can look at yours?”

He imagined her laugh, head tossing upwards. Yeah, the turian was going crazy without his Shepard.

**_Crazy? More like delusional._ ** Shepard sneered playfully.

Garrus grinned. Yes, he definitely was.

**_Get some sleep, you crazy bastard. You’ll need it._ ** The woman sat on the ground, leaning into his cot and resting her blonde head onto his chest. A hand was raised to stroke the woman’s hair, but it fell through and her image shimmered away. Sighing, Garrus closed his eyes. Oh, he’ll need his sleep alright. Spirits be damned if the gangs surprise him tomorrow because of his insomnia.

  
  



	2. BitterSweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus thinks it's too good to be true. Who is to say he's wrong?

Garrus couldn’t believe it the very first time he had heard the news of what happened to the Normandy while out in deep space. For a while, he blamed himself for not being there, but after many months of pondering, Garrus finally had a reasoning thought.

He wouldn’t have been able to make a difference even if he was with Shepard.

The very idea of that was a bitter concept and Garrus growled to himself as he bit into varren meat. Varren meat that took him days to track down and steal from Omega’s mercs. Of course, he had spared most of his stealings to the sicker and poorer populations that were ransacked by the mercenaries.

Garrus pushed himself up from his seated position, finishing off the last of his breakfast. It was quiet and dreadfully lonely. Despite the amount of time away from the Citadel, he could never get used to how unnerving the silence was. It seemed like he was always causing the noise. The Turian observed the movement of the Omega citizens before him, sighing to himself as he made sure he wasn’t out in plain sight as he neared a balcony.

“Something is going to be different about today.” he murmured to himself. “I can feel it.”

Silence said nothing in return.

* * *

 

It was almost too good to be true, to say the least.

“You’ve really lost it now, Garrus Vakarian. You’re seeing ghosts.” he was muttering to himself, carefully studying a blonde woman who vaguely looked like Shepard. It had been two years since the Normandy was destroyed. Shepard had never been recovered and it only infuriated Garrus even more when the Citadel council halted their search for the Spectre. Councilman Anderson had persisted as much as he could, but the eventual three over one vote forced Anderson to stand down. Shepard was lost to the stars.

This woman was not alone, flanked by two men. All three of them were heavily armored. Maybe the mercenaries had hired their own outside mercenaries to take him out.

“Wouldn’t that be the dream.” Maybe then, he could reunite with Shepard.

Garrus had to make flight, leaving the area before he became noticed. He couldn’t stop glancing over his shoulder to take one more look at that mysterious woman. If he could frown, he certainly would have. The Turian pulled his helmet over his head and continued on his way without a second thought.

* * *

 

“Okay… maybe this actually is too good to be true.” Garrus said to no one in particular as he remained hidden behind the stone structures of the bridge. This woman had the exact same tactics as Shepard. Go in and go hard, and for the spirits, do not stop pulling the trigger. She was very aggressive and the woman took on some concussive rounds like a champion.

In that split moment, Garrus felt his heart throb within his chest. What if this was Shepard? He would finally have her back again. Would he be able to contain himself?

He heard the footsteps of the woman and her comrades. They kept getting closer and closer. Garrus swore he heard the rush of his blood through his ears.

“Archangel?”

He couldn’t allow himself to lose focus, not with a merc in his sights. Choking up now wasn’t an option. It was a clean shot, the man sputtering out his last sounds as his body fell to the ground with a hard thud.

Garrus felt a sigh leave him, one he didn’t know he had been holding. With the immediate threats gone, he stood from his crouch. A clawed hand grasped at his helmet and Garrus pulled it off with ease, setting it down on the stone mid-wall beside him. This was it. The point of no return. Either this woman truly was his lost love or she was a look-a-like.

“Shepard.” he saw her eyes light up and his heart nearly broke through the armor on his chest. “I thought you were dead.”

This woman, Shepard, smiled as her arms opened up and she closed the distance between them. Garrus was fortunate the mid-wall was right behind him. “Garrus! What are you doing here?”

In that moment, he felt the whole world around him fade as his arms circled around her smaller body. He bowed his head, mandibles flicking to and fro, pressing his forehead against her own. A small laugh left him, a hand coming up to touch her face, carefully running a claw down her cheek. “Just keeping my skills sharp. A little target practice.”

Scars littered her once fair skin, a soft glowing undertone beneath. Her eyes weren’t the blue he was used to. They were almost purple. She seemed to sense his distress. “You okay?”

“Been better, but it sure is good to see you.” his voice was soft, almost vulnerable. Garrus was afraid this was another nightmare of his. That at the peak of his happiness, she would fade away into the void of space. “I… I missed you.”

“I missed you too, Garrus.”

* * *

 

He was flying. His ears were ringing. Then, it all went to black. It just was too good to be true. One minute he was taking down the Blood Pack and Eclipse with Shepard at his side, and then, the Blue Suns bastard gunned him down.

Garrus thought he had died for sure. No man could have possibly survived a missile head on. There was a piece of him that was waiting for this moment. A gentle wave overtaking Garrus and he felt soothed by its comfort. There was no more fear. No more struggling. There was… nothing. He felt adrift.

Cold.

Garrus was suffocating. In that split moment, he wanted to live. He wanted to get away from the vacuum of darkness. The gentle wave soon pushed down against his chest with an immense pressure, Garrus thought he could never get a deep breath of air into his lungs.

Finally, he saw light.

“Garrus!”

The Turian tasted blood. He clenched his hand around the muzzle of his sniper.

“We’re getting you out of here, Garrus. Just hold on.” a sweet voice said beside him.

He was suffocating again, gurgling against his own blood and choking on it as he tried to breathe. He would be damned if he gave up trying.

“Radio Joker! Make sure they’re ready for us!”

Garrus found her eyes. Just moments ago, he had been worried that she would disappear and he would wake from an awful nightmare. The tables were turned. Garrus had never seen so much fear in Shepard’s eyes. 

“He’s not going to make it.”

Anger flared in her eyes as she broke their eye contact to bark at Zaeed. “Yes he is! Garrus is stronger than dying!”

Her eyes. They were mauve colored. That’s it.

“You just got me back, Garrus. I’m not going anywhere, stay with me.”

He felt her lips press against his forehead. They were as soft and plush as ever. Garrus couldn’t wait to kiss them again. Shepard’s hands gripped his and she didn’t let go.

* * *

 

The staff were annoying, fruitlessly attempting to keep him confined to the recovery ward. Garrus armored up despite their nay-says and he strolled right out. His face felt as though he were on fire, but it would fade once the painkillers swooped in. Knowing Shepard, she was probably receiving a report from her new acquaintances on his recovery. Finding the briefing room was simple, the automatic detection doors sliding away.

“Shepard.” he made his presence known, his eyes searching for his woman. 

“Tough son of a bitch. Didn’t think he’d be up yet.” Jacob glanced at Garrus in slight surprise and… Garrus swore he saw disbelief. Especially when Shepard’s attention was no longer on the other human male.

Shepard smiled towards Garrus, pushing off the wide table and meeting Garrus in an embrace. He quickly held her back. “No one would give me a mirror. How bad is it?”

Her lips were on a mandible, chuckling softly. Her voice was borderline low and teasing. Not that Garrus minded. Maybe the other human did. “Hell, Garrus. You were always ugly. Just slap some face paint on there, and no one will even notice.”

“Hah-ah! Don’t make me laugh, damn it. My face is barely holding together as it is.” The painkillers weren’t quite doing their job, especially since that laugh felt like his whole jaw was splitting out again. “Some women find facial scars attractive. Mind you, some of those women are krogan…”

“And me.” Her eyes hooded slightly, battling at those lovely eyelashes. Garrus couldn’t hold back anymore.

He leaned forward, pressing his lips against hers. His arms tightened around her when she kissed right back. In that moment, he wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of his day cooped up in Shepard’s quarters and explore every last part of her body. Remind them that not even death could hold them apart. Bask in her presence and kiss the floor she walked on, worship the air she breathed.

The doors hissed open and promptly shut.

Garrus chuckled lowly, drawing away from their kiss and gently nuzzling the woman. “Is he finally gone now?”

Shepard shook her head with a small laugh. “Garrus, you sure know how to clear a room.”

“Well, I don’t appreciate other men gawking at my woman. You are mine, Shepard. And there will be nothing else in this world that will ever take us apart.” He held her against his taller body, burying his face in her hair. 

“You got that right. Together beyond the end of time.”

* * *

 


	3. An End Once and For All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus wants to leave the war with Shepard and live the rest of their lives together, but there's a war in the way.

“Here. Take him.” She passed me off to James. The man grabbed my arm and held me over his shoulder in a similar fashion as Shepard just moments ago. When she said that, I just about panicked. I quickly looked at her, eyes wide. I sucked in the pain.

“Shepard!”

She was already taking steps back, away from the Normandy. Away… from me. “You’ve got to get out of here.”

“And you’ve gotta be kidding me!” If I wasn’t halfway bleeding to death internally, I would have ripped away from James and dragged Shepard back onto the Normandy. I couldn’t believe what she had said.

“Don’t argue, Garrus.” She was determined. My Shepard had her foot down on this and her voice left no room for objection. But I didn’t want to believe that this was the only option. There had to have been another way. I couldn’t leave her here. To die.

I had to at least try. “We’re in this till the end.”

Everything that led up to this moment, every battle and bullet, we always came home. We always returned to the Normandy smelling of gunfire and blood. I didn’t want to return to the Normandy without her.

I could feel my heart throbbing, my throat threatened to close up. I felt anger start to bubble up inside of me. Then, sadness and anxiety. I had seen Shepard cry once and I wondered how strong her emotions had been to evoke the tears that rolled down her cheeks. Turians couldn’t cry. However, I really wanted to.

Shepard stopped her descent and came right for me. She leaned in close and for a split moment, I thought she was going to stay with us. “No matter what happens here, you know I love you. I always will.”

Her voice quivered from distraught and strain. Red started to fill the white of her eyes and I realized that she didn’t want to leave. Shepard wanted to stay with me, run away with me to the edges of the galaxy and leave the war. I wanted that too.

I looked into Shepard’s eyes, memorizing their odd mauve color, mapped out her face and holding onto every single detail because chances were that I was never going to see my lady ever again. 

“Shepard, I…” Her hand came up and cupped my mandible when I tried to protest. I naturally leaned into her hold. I would never forget how warm her hands felt whenever she did this in the comfort of her quarters. “Love you too.”

The fight in me left when Shepard pulled away and I reached for her in hopes that she would take my hand and join me on the Normandy, but that wasn’t the case. James hauled me away as the ship pulled off the ground. I had no strength to fight him, only glancing over my shoulder as the doors sealed shut. Shepard was already gone.

Halfway to the medical ward, James spoke. I could tell he offered his comfort and sympathy, but it couldn’t give me what I wanted. “I’m sorry, Garrus.”

I felt it all just cascade. My emotions were swirling out of control and I wanted to find a way to relieve it. A low keen spilled from my subvocals and I felt the urge to vomit. Finally, my legs collapsed beneath me. The hall echoed with the sounds of knee guards clacking on the floor. Pain from my wounds flared as they were agitated and James followed me down, keeping my other arm around his shoulders still.

I couldn’t believe this was happening.

My Shepard was down there, fighting on the last stretch of the battle and here I was on the Normandy. Fleeing. Another keen left me and I raised my head, a choked cry coming out afterwards.

“Easy, Garrus.” James’ voice barely reached me.

I kept calling in my native tongue. Begging and longing. Praying. Shepard needed to walk out of there alive. She just had to. Moments before this mission, I had brought up the prospect of having children. And she agreed! It was the perfect ending to our story. Win this damn war, be proclaimed as heroes of the known galaxy, retire to a perfect world with the woman of my life at my side and our children around us.

I wanted nothing more than that.

But our lives couldn’t be made easy.


	4. Vigil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not Everything is Lost.

Garrus was clacking away on a keyboard, his taloned fingers moving so quickly that he kept hitting the backspace button to clear out his mistakes. He stabbed the backspace key at a minor typo and he growled at the screen.

“Care to relieve the mind, Garrus?” James’ voice was slow and cautious.

The turian huffed slightly and his mandibles flicked with irritation as he briefly spared the man a sharp glare. “No.”

James held up his hands in a surrender motion. “Just figured I ask since you’re… angry.”

“I’ve scoured as much as I could about the destruction of the Crucible and casualty reports, and I can’t find as much as a needle in this haystack about Shepard’s remains. Yeah, I’m angry. I want to lay her to rest in a proper burial.” Garrus abruptly stood up from his seat, stomping away from the computer and going to the railing. He looked over the edge of Ilium’s executive building that Liara had kindly provided and out into the bustling society. Finally, a heavy and mournful sigh left him. “I… I just want to lay her to rest.”

James took several slow steps towards Garrus, gently touching his shoulder and squeezing. “I know you do, man. Shepard deserves it. After everything she did for us, for the galaxy, she deserves more than a hero’s proper burial. Shepard deserves to be lived on. She lives on in all of our memories, and most importantly, in our hearts.”

Garrus gripped the railing a little harder. “I want more than just her memory, James. I want her. Here. Alive and well with me. We could be on Earth, Palavan, even Tuchanka! As long as she’s here with me, it didn’t matter where we go.”

Emotions clogged Garrus’ throat, a low keen leaving his subvocals as he peeled himself away from the railing. He paced around the office with a fixed stare at the ground. “We were supposed to find a home with lots of trees, maybe a nearby ocean. Shepard mentioned that she wanted to live in a place remotely similar to the Bahamas. We’d get married, settle into a house far enough from other people without entirely isolating ourselves. We would live out the rest of our lives out there, completely at peace.”

The pacing stopped and James shifted when Garrus finally looked at him. “Garrus?”

The turian said nothing at first, a seemingly lost gaze in his eyes. Garrus looked away and his voice was small. “We spoke about children. Maybe adopting since biology isn’t on our side. With this war over, I don’t even want to think about all the orphans out there… Parents lost to war.”

James hadn’t known that. He knew that Shepard had spoken very seldom about claiming Garrus as her husband and living away from society, but not once had he heard a whisper about children.

“You still could adopt one, Garrus. A tribute to Shepard.” James hoped he wasn’t stepping on toes when he said that.

A sigh left Garrus. “It wouldn’t be the same… Look, James, I appreciate you being here, but could you please leave me alone for a bit?”

James briefly eyed the balcony.

Garrus caught it. “I won’t throw myself off. I’d like to be alone.”

“Sure man.” James almost hesitated in his stride as he made way to the office door. “You know I’ve got your back. Let me know if you require anything.”

“I will, James.” the turian quickly added. “Thank you.”

James nodded back at him as the sliding doors opened up. “Of course, Garrus. Anytime.”

Garrus watched the other man disappear behind the automatic closing doors, his blue eyes still fixed on them even after they had long shut. Slowly, his eyes went back to his computer. Not a thing. Not a single thread hope lied despite his long hours of searching for anything. Liara could not find anything either and she could sniff out the tiniest information out of seemingly nothing. This despair did not help Garrus in the slightest.

Over the balcony was the bustling city. While the majority of the citizens were grateful of the sacrifice Shepard had made, they all carried on with their lives without a second thought in the galaxy. Garrus wished he could just move on, but deep within his chest, his heart could not stop aching.

 

\--   
  


Everything felt cold. Shepard could not tell if air moved through her lungs, but what she did know was that she felt light and unmoving. It felt as though she were suspended in water, but she did not feel wet. Shepard did not sense her eyes or mouth. She could not hear. Everything was black.

_ Perhaps… this is how the afterlife is… _

Maybe she was waiting.

_ What am I waiting on? _

Silence and darkness offered no solution.

 

\--

 

“She’s recovering, Doctor. Her brain activity grows stronger with every passing day.” A young man dressed in whites and a lab coat stood next to the senior doctor. She was an older woman, her face deep in concentration as she studied Shepard. The Commander was in a tank, a breathing apparatus sealed over her face. Her body was no longer riddled with burns and open fractures. Scars that had formed were slowly fading and her singed hair was growing. The tank itself was filled with an omni-gel cocktailed with other enhancers and nanites.

Her hands were clasped behind her back, not speaking for another moment longer. The senior doctor did not look in the man’s direction when she did speak.

“Are we still on time for her awakening?”

The man nodded, pulling the tablet he had in hand forward to see the screen. His fingers scrolled twice. “At her remarkable healing rate, Doctor, yes. Three weeks time.”

The senior doctor nodded once. “Excellent.”

“Doctor, do you think the Council will be able to hide her from society? Persons within her crew wanted to bury Shepard, believing her dead.”

The security department overseeing this organization kept receiving flags from an individual named Garrus Vakarian, but in order to not tip him off that they had Shepard, they did their best to carefully watch or lead the turian in an endless ghost chase. Eventually, he would figure it out.

“The Council cannot control Shepard. I didn’t do this for them. Shepard will do what she does best and go against the order of the Council.”

It was an asinine plan that the Council had to keep Shepard on a short leash. Since Councilmember Anderson was no longer alive, he could no longer stand alongside Shepard and protect her from the will of the other Councilmembers. The Council would be enraged if they knew the doctor’s plan, but with Shepard hailed as a hero, they would not be able to act upon it.

“Continue to monitor her. Let me know if there’s anything that merits my attention.” The woman turned on heel, heading to the entrance of the lab.

“Yes, Ma’am.”

 

\--

 

Garrus rubbed at his face again, exhaustion plaguing him. Another night of potential sleep was lost because of his insomnia. The clock happily supplied that it was just past midnight. Grumbling softly to himself, Garrus pushed himself into a seated position. The blankets moved easily out of the way when he brushed them off to the side. There was no use in sleeping. His body could not relax. Three total months of sleep deprivation as a result of his constant search for Shepard had finally caught up to him.

Joints ached and popped as Garrus pushed off his bed and moved around his room. He pushed open the doors to his home that lead out to a balcony. Ilium never slept. Vehicles zoomed back and forth, some buildings still held light to them. If he listened hard enough, he could hear asarian music. His tired blue eyes looked out over the horizon of the living city.

Time was unknown to Garrus as the sun barely peeked in the distance. It had to have been several hours. Hunger gripped the turian and he was lured back inside. Maybe if he was lucky, he could get a nap in after his morning meal.

Garrus had his meal prepared in no time, keeping it very simple and full of nutrition. Fortunately for him, there was no need to go to the office. He would stay home and close himself off from the world. His food slipped down his throat, warming up his insides for a brief moment. He heard his terminal chime and Garrus nearly ignored it. It was typically James checking up on him, making sure he had not done anything stupid to hurt himself. Garrus would not dare insult Shepard’s memory like that.

The terminal glowed softly, pulsing every few seconds. Garrus glared at it for a moment before an irritated huff left him. His plate was set down on the table in front of him, something the humans called a ‘coffee table’. Mandibles flicked in upsettingly as he approached his terminal, a hand flicking to activate it.

 

URGENT MESSAGE FROM: [REDACTED]

 

GARRUS, WE KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN SEARCHING.

 

GO TO THUN ON ZORYA. SEEK A MAN CALLED THE GIVER. HE WILL DELIVER YOU TO US AND WE SHALL DELIVER WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN SEARCHING FOR.

 

Garrus felt his breath catch.


End file.
